The World's A Crazy Place
by Nessy
Summary: Mulder & Scully reflect upon their change of feelings for each other
1. The World's A Crazy Place 1

Title: THE WORLD'S A CRAZY PLACE (1/2)  
Authors: Nessy & Cirglas  
Classification: V R A  
Rating: PG  
Disclaimer: They are not ours. They belong to 10-13  
productions and Chris Carter. No money is made, so please  
don't sue us...  
Feedback: please review!  
Spoilers: Pilot, Tooms  
Keywords: Mulder/Scully Romance , Scully POV  
Summary: Scully reflects on her change of feelings for  
Mulder  
Post: Wherever (But please tell us where you're gonna post  
it.)

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**THE WORLD'S A CRAZY PLACE (1/2)**  
by Nessy & Cirglas  
Scully's personal journal

"Life would have been so easy without him."

This is what I tell myself. But as a matter of fact,  
my life would have missed a lot. And even though  
nobody would believe me if I told my story to them, it  
IS the truth.

The Truth. Something I've heard about in numerous  
versions. Something I've reached for but which has  
elapsed me more times than I want to think. Something  
I have searched for many years now. A search Mulder  
taught me.

Mulder. Another name that comes to my attention rather  
frequently nowadays. But Mulder and the truth belong  
together. They are one. So why wonder about the  
combination of both in my thought process?

So why am I so frightened of the truth about Mulder?  
Or, to put it better, my true feelings about Mulder?

Yes, this has been a big problem for quite a while  
now. My feelings. And I notice that it has a little  
less to do with Mulder and a little more to do with  
me. I am not in control of my feelings anymore.

Oh, I know. 'Control freak'. That's what he calls me  
sometimes. But I need to have some control in my life. With  
my kind of job there is so much out of my control already.

That's why I try to keep in control of those things that I  
can, especially family and other relationships. One  
relationship that I used to be able to manage is my  
relationship to Mulder. But lately is getting harder and  
harder to resist him: his friendliness, his comfort, his  
love. Yes, I know he loves me. I am not blind. But I am  
careful. I know the risks.  
And there is just too much on the line.

Is there?

"I wouldn't put myself on the line for anybody but you."

Words to live by, I'd say. Words I've LIVED by.  
See, it's getting harder and harder to find reasons why we  
shouldn't pursue this thing between us. There is so much  
we've gone through together, so much history between us which  
connects us in an almost unnatural way.

Especially considering that we are such immense opposites.

It's strange that we have become such good friends. And on  
the other hand again, it's not.

Yes, I admit it, I was sent to spy on him. I was there to  
debunk his work, to uncover it as the illegitimate work they,  
and I, in my careless disregard, thought it was.  
But, needless to say, I don't do those kind of things. Go in  
and destroy somebody's life work. Nope, not me. I go in and  
fall in love with the person I'm supposed to spy on.

Yeah, Dana Scully, the control freak simply fell in love. The  
control went right out the window. But what chance do you  
have to resist, when you meet your soul mate? When your soul  
mate needs you? When he falls in love with you? When you're  
the only one he has to watch out for him?

Imagine my surprise. Spooky Mulder cares for the Ice Queen.  
Imagine THEIR surprise. I care for HIM. Wow, I don't want to  
be in Their place right now; their plan obviously backfired.  
They'll have to think of a different way to get rid of him --  
us.

Oh, Mulder was weird. I mean, he was a little like the crazy  
professor in all those old horror movies. But I realized  
something early on in our partnership: Mulder wants to right  
all wrongs. Deep down in his heart he is the most selfless  
person I have ever come to know.

When he told me about his sister, that was when I knew I had  
to protect him from further harm. You see, he feels too much.  
He is a sensitive, emotional, sweet person who desperately  
wants to save his baby sister. What could be wrong with that?

So here I am, sitting and thinking about Mulder, although I  
swore I would spend a nice evening without thinking about  
him. Well, my own rules have been bent since the day I met  
him, just like the official FBI rules. My life isn't what it  
used to be anymore.

But I would never ever tell him that. He'd feel guilty  
again. Just like about everything else that happens in the  
whole wide world. But I won't let him. Unh-unh. I won't feed  
him anymore bullets to fire on himself. That is another one  
of my goals in this life. Make Mulder see that not everything  
is his fault. But there isn't much of a chance I will  
succeed. He'll just keep on brooding on the fact that  
everybody is suffering because of him.

He even has this protective streak that originates from his  
guilt lately that makes me want to shake him and yell: "Geez,  
Mulder, get a grip. Other people have minds of their own.  
They do all the bad stuff. Not you!"

But would he listen? No way.

When a case goes utterly wrong he is overly nice to me. Asks  
if he can bring me anything, if he can do anything for me.  
As if he were responsible or something!!

He doesn't see that I can take care of myself. That I don't  
want him pampering me like that. And lately he just ignores  
my attempt to calm him. I tell him I'm fine but he doesn't  
mind his own business.

Another bad habit of his is that he takes everything so  
personally. Sometimes, when we're both angry and tired I have  
to really watch what I say, because I know he'll be greatly  
hurt from what I'm about to say.

Oh, yes our fights can be really nasty. I'm glad that most of  
the times it's so late in the evening that the Hoover  
Building is almost empty, I'm sure they'd think we lost it if  
they overheard us once... gosh the things we argue about...  
chromosomes, DNA, astronomy and philosophic problems all  
mixed together into a jumble that only we understand.

I just read this last page again and deeply regret being so  
easy to distract. Instead of writing what I wanted, I let  
myself be carried away with ridicule, and let myself get  
frustrated about Mulder. I'm sorry. Actually I had something  
completely different in mind.

I had wanted to say that I enjoy working with him, enjoy  
being close. He's got a witty mind and great instincts and a  
way to deduct an occurrence based on so little facts and  
evidence that I could scream... whoops, here we go again.

The thing is, I know I'm not really mad at him. I'm not even  
really frustrated about Mulder, I'm frustrated because I  
haven't had the courage to tell him about my feelings for  
him.

So what if I'm a coward?

Dana, will you ever learn? Stop running from your feelings  
for him. It won't do anybody any good. It's not his fault you  
are such complete opposites, right?  
You two will just have to overcome that little problem and  
make up for it... and oh, will he make up for it...

I think it's time to pursue those feelings of yours. Come on,  
call him... Ask him over for a cup of coffee...

Ask him over to stay the night.

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End of part one. We'll try to post part two soon (No, I don't  
know how soon)

Thanx for reading and please tell us what you think!

------------------------------------------------------------------------- SAVE THE BEST FOR LAST

VANESSA WILLIAMS

Sometimes the snow comes down in June;  
Sometimes the sun goes 'round the moon.  
I see the passion in your eyes;  
Sometimes it's all a big surprise.

'Cause there was a time when all I did was wish  
You'd tell me this was love.  
It's not the way I hoped or how I planned,  
But somehow it's enough.

But not we're standing face-to-face.  
Isn't this world a crazy place?  
Just when I thought our chance had passed,  
You go and save the best for last.


	2. The World's A Crazy Place 2

Title: THE WORLD'S A CRAZY PLACE (2/2)  
Authors: Nessy & Cirglas  
Classification: V R A H  
Rating: PG-13 (A few swear words-you know how Mulder is g )  
Disclaimer: They are not ours. They belong to 10-13  
productions and Chris Carter.  
Spoilers: Abduction Arc, Memento Mori, Emily, Small  
Potatoes...  
Keywords: Mulder/Scully Romance  
Summary: Mulder reflects on his feelings for Scully  
Post: Gossamer and EP is fine, anywhere else, please tell us  
where you're gonna post it - we want to come visit :))

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**THE WORLD'S A CRAZY PLACE (2/2)**  
by Nessy & Cirglas  
Mulder's apartment

I just don't know what to do about her. She monopolizes my  
thoughts and I can't seem to do anything about it.

Here I am, lying on my couch on a Saturday evening, having  
nothing better to do than pondering my relationship with my  
work partner, Dana Scully.

It's not that I have just recently developed unpartner-like  
feelings. I've had them all along.

First it was more her intriguing personality and my own  
curiosity combined with a touch of mysterious attraction that  
spiked my interest in her.

Over the years it grew into much more. It turned into trust,  
companionship, friendship and something else that I'm not  
really quite ready to discuss right now.

Anyways, Scully has without doubt become the most important  
person in my life.

The problem is, I don't know how to tell her.

Or do I even want her to know?

It would be better for our work relationship if she never  
knew I lo-- never knew how much I care for her. It would be  
better for her, too.

Because of me she has suffered things no human should have to  
suffer in a thousand lives, least of all in one life. And she  
of all people deserves so much to be happy.

She is the most loyal, true, just, dependable, caring,  
intelligent, inspiring, devoted, passionate, beautiful human  
being that I could ever have imagined.

And I had the fortune and the pleasure not only to meet her  
briefly, but also to work with her and have her around me on  
a daily basis.

If she just wasn't in so much danger working with me, I could  
really be happy about that. But this way every time I think  
of how lucky I am that she's with me, I recognize that she'd  
be so much happier without me; so much healthier, so much  
freer.

She tells me that's not true, and that I'm not supposed to  
feel responsible for everything and so on. But I can't help  
it. I am responsible for most of the things that happened,  
and so I feel guilty about them.

The first incident that comes to my mind is her abduction.  
God, what a nightmare! Three long months during which I  
didn't know what was happening to her, if she'd ever come  
back, or if she were already dead. I was a wreck. Till then I  
hadn't known how much I've come to depend on her, how much  
she has become a part of me.

Then they returned her to let me see her die. If she had, I  
would have followed her - maybe not that night, maybe not  
intentionally. But, nevertheless, I probably wouldn't have  
made it through the change of the year.

Luckily for us both, she lived through it.

But they had a plan b: 'If she pulls through give her  
cancer.'

How considerate.

In that small hospital room where Scully told me about her  
disease, I almost lost it. She was shaken, I could see it in  
her eyes and I longed to somehow comfort her. The only way I  
knew to do that was to continue like before, so that she  
wasn't reminded - who am I kidding? - so I wasn't reminded  
of her illness.

There were a few moments when I thought we'd break down our  
walls and let it out, talk about our feelings, our fears, but  
those moments passed and we ignored them. I, because I was  
terribly afraid of her reaction, of losing her like I lost  
all the other people that I loved. She, because she thought  
I'd believe she was weak - no chance with that though. She's  
the strongest, bravest, person I know. The way she fights my  
demons, my theories, my -our- enemies, makes me so proud I  
could burst.

Who else would have defeated cancer? No one but my precious  
Scully.

And what happened then? Then They showed her a glimpse of the  
life she could have had, had she never known me: They showed  
her her daughter, Emily, just to take her away again, as if  
to say, 'this is your own fault, Agent Scully, you should  
have not messed with us.'

Emily was the last straw for me... I really don't know how  
Scully managed to keep calm. I thought, 'To hell with it, why  
shouldn't I comfort her, why shouldn't I be there for her,  
screw professionalism.'

But Scully didn't let me. I admit, I know why. Really. I do.  
I never was able to be there for her before, I was too  
absorbed in aliens and consortium to really notice anything  
wrong with my partner. Or I was too chicken to show her how  
much I cared. And when I finally noticed that something was  
wrong, when I finally had decided to ignore my fears and face  
our feelings, it was usually too late. Scully had already  
hidden behind that 'Great Wall of Scully' and there was no  
way for me to get to her.

I do have to say that she's really good at this 'I'm fine'  
game. But she can't fool me, oh no, don't think that. She  
just has a way of saying those words so that you know they  
are meant threatening - 'Stop nagging, Mulder, or you'll  
regret it!'

And I usually bend to her wish. I leave her alone, even  
though I know I'll kick myself for it later on. For being so  
stupid, so unbelievable scared, and taking the easy way out.

So here I am. Alone on my couch wondering about my partner  
and our relationship. To some extent I know her very well,  
then again, I fear I know almost nothing when feelings,  
personal stuff, are concerned. And why not? Because of those  
stupid walls between us!

I think it's time to get a ladder and overcome those useless  
barriers, tear them down, because I really don't want to go  
on like this. And Scully...

Scully? Scully will... I don't know what she thinks about  
that matter. Would she want to help me tear down those walls?

Thinking of our past, I think she just might agree to take a  
step forward with our relationship. I don't even have to  
close my eyes to see her in her living room with that nobody  
Eddie lying half over her, pretending to be me. I've imagined  
myself in that situation hundreds of times, how it would have  
ended or rather not ended if it had been me...

But I was talking about Scully. Yes, I do believe she's  
interested in, or at least not against, a pursuance of our  
mutual feelings for each other.

Now all I need to wait for is the perfect moment... Is there  
even something like a perfect moment? Maybe I should just  
decide I'm going to choose the least inconvenient moment,  
that sounds like a more reasonable decision.

So, when I confront her there shouldn't be blood or pain or  
death involved, and I should not be under the influence of  
drugs - been there, got the t-shirt - otherwise she'd not  
believe me. I have to approach her when she knows it's my own  
decision, my own free will.

That is a pretty confining decision already, when do we talk  
about anything important without pain being involved? It  
would have to be between cases, maybe on a weekend or so...

Why not today?

Nah...

Why not? Now is as good as ever. I'd really like to go see  
her and talk about us. There's no time like the present.

Should I bring anything with me?

A bottle of wine?

Nah, what do they always say, Mulder? Just be yourself.

I'll stop by that Chinese take-out place on my way.

Here goes nothing.

Scully's personal journal

Oh, the doorbell. Gotta get that.

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--next day--

Well, guess what, it was Mulder. And take another guess... He  
stayed overnight. NOT on the couch.

He came over with a lot on his mind and a bag full of Chinese  
take-out. We talked a long time last night and he told me so  
many things about himself... and he saved the best for  
last...

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End of story

Sorry, it took us so long to finish the story, but we finally have it  
ready. Please tell us what you thought...

Nessy & Cirglas

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SAVE THE BEST FOR LAST

VANESSA WILLIAMS

All of the nights you came to me,  
When some silly girl had set you free.  
You wondered how you'd make it through;  
I wondered what was wrong with you.

'Cause how could you give your love to someone else  
And share your dreams with me.  
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for  
Is the one thing you can't see.

But now we're standing face-to-face.  
Isn't this world a crazy place?  
Just when I thought our chance had passed,  
You go and save the best for last.

Sometimes the very thing you're looking for  
Is the one thing you can't see.

Sometimes the snow comes down in June;  
Sometimes the sun goes 'round the moon.  
Just when I thought our chance has passed,  
You go and save the best for last.

You went and saved the best for last.


End file.
